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Hot jokes today (10 of 98)

You can’t beat Sickipedia for the fastest current event jokes.

I’m looking forward to logging on from prison and reading all the jokes about my neighbours’ children.

Joke by Haynz, in Celebrity and news events > Hasnt happened yet - Tagged neighbours kids , front page news , as soon as i get caught - Current Score: 187 - Added: 14 hours ago

I am a male prostitute.
I say that, really I just rape women and steal their money.

Joke by nufcdude, in Sex and shit > Prostitute - Tagged rape , steal , women , male , prostitute - Current Score: 171 - Added: 9 hours ago

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

Joke by adaytoremember, in Jokes with no home > word play - Tagged pig , voice , grunt , george carlin - Current Score: 148 - Added: 20 hours ago

My decision to name my Asian herbal medicine shop 'Ethnic Cleansing' has proven to be strangely unpopular.

Joke by leozam, in Religion and racism > Asian - Tagged asian , racism , ethnic cleansing - Current Score: 106 - Added: 5 hours ago

A newly ordained priest is nervous about hearing confessions and asks an older priest to observe one of his sessions to give him some tips. After a few minutes of listening, the old priest suggests that they have a word.
"I’ve got a few suggestions," he says. "Try folding your arms over your chest and rub your chin with one hand."
The new priest tries this.
"Very good," says his senior. "Now try saying things like 'I see', 'I understand' and 'Yes, go on.'"
The younger priest practices these sayings, too.
"Well done," says the older priest. "Don't you think that's better than slapping your knee and saying: 'No way! What happened next?'"

Joke by adaytoremember, in Religion and racism > Priest - Tagged priest , confession , church , practice - Current Score: 104 - Added: 11 hours ago

Just got an advent calendar from Woolworths.

All the windows were boarded up.

Joke by mycockisbiggerthanyours, in Celebrity and news events > Woolworths - Tagged woolworths , credit crunch , advent calendar , christmas - Current Score: 82 - Added: 3 hours ago

My mates keep calling me gay, so to prove them wrong, I went out and fucked this sexy nurse.

And he definitely wasn't gay.

Joke by craig__2k4, in Sex and shit > Nurses - Tagged nurse bloke , sexy , gay - Current Score: 60 - Added: 7 hours ago

You know you’re Italian when:
You’re 5ft 4in, can bench press 325lbs, shave twice a day, but still cry when your mother yells at you.
Your mechanic, plumber, electrician, accountant and travel-agent are all blood relatives.
Your two best friends are your cousin and your brother-in-law.
You are a card-carrying VIP at more than three strip clubs.
If someone in your family grows beyond 5ft 6in, it’s presumed his mother had an affair.
At least five of your cousins live on your street.
All five of those cousins are named after your grandfather.
It’s impossible for you to talk with your hands in your pockets.
You have ever been in a fight defending Sylvester Stallone’s acting ability.
You have at least one sister who went to beauty school.
You have been to a funeral where talk of the deceased in; ''He shoulda kept his big mouth shut.''

Joke by gartnavel, in Religion and racism > Italians - Tagged italian , italians , italy , mafia , wop - Current Score: 51 - Added: 23 hours ago

My girlfriend used to hate bukkake. Now she just takes it on the chin.

Joke by furiousg, in Sex and shit > Cum - Tagged cum , blowjobs - Current Score: 46 - Added: 21 hours ago

I went to an alien bukkake party the other day. I don't know what came over me.

Joke by hobnob, in Sex and shit > Bukkake - Tagged come , alien - Current Score: 45 - Added: 14 hours ago

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Hot jokes this week (3 of 402)

I'm going to go rob a bank tomorrow.
I plan on dressing up in a clown wig and make up and only wearing a thong and nipple tassels.
I'll carry a goat and a can of fluorescent paint in one arm and, while in the bank, I'm going to fuck the goat and throw the paint over the walls, all the time ripping up pages of a phonebook and swearing my head off. After getting the money, I'll take a shit on the floor and piss everywhere. I then will escape in a van shaped like a giant pink cock.

Let's see Crimewatch fucking stage a reconstruction of that.

Joke by DumbShit, in Jokes with no home > Crime - Tagged bank , thief , goat , crimewatch , clown - Current Score: 693 - Added: 3 days ago

A little bit of Monica on the floor...

A little bit of Jessica on the steps....

Mumbai No 5.

Joke by MICK THE MAG, in Celebrity and news events > Mumbai Shootings - Tagged bomb , blew to bits , mambo no 5 , mumbai - Current Score: 482 - Added: 2 days ago

I tried mugging an old aged pensioner yesterday.

I said, "Give me all your money now, bitch, or you're geography."

"Don't you mean history?" she replied.

I said, "Don't try to change the subject."

Joke by MICK THE MAG, in Jokes with no home > Pensioners - Tagged biddy , bitch , mugged , subject - Current Score: 407 - Added: 2 days ago

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Hottest Ever (3 of 18110. hit me!)

A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide.

The librarian says "Fuck off, you won't bring it back."

Joke by ht, in Illness and mortality > suicide - Tagged library , suicide , book - Current Score: 15636 - Added: 1 year, 5 months ago

Statistically... 9 out of 10 people enjoy gang rape.

Joke by Nangleberry Keen, in Sex and shit > Rape - Tagged rape , gang , enjoy - Current Score: 10540 - Added: 1 year, 1 month ago

A woman brings eight-year-old Johnny home and tells his mother that he was caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her eight-year-old daughter.

Johnny's mother says, "Let's not be too harsh on them... they're bound to be curious about sex at that age."

"Curious about sex?" replies Mary's mother. "He's taken her fucking appendix out!"

Joke by bobbydgg, in Illness and mortality > Children - Tagged curious , sex , little johnny , appendix , doctors and nurses - Current Score: 7717 - Added: 1 year, 5 months ago

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Newest jokes (10 of 18110)

Just got back from a Brilliant Murder Mystery weekend, in Mumbai

Joke by ratman, in Celebrity and news events > Mumbai Terrorists - Tagged None - please add some! - Current Score: -2 - Added: 2 minutes ago

Whats the difference between Maddie and her toys?

The white stuff on her toys are cobwebs.

Joke by Grinko, in Celebrity and news events > Maddie - Tagged maddie - Current Score: 4 - Added: 7 minutes ago

cfmdx got buried to -5. Reveal Joke

What's black and behind you?

...a rapist.

Joke by stu613, in Religion and racism > Aborigines - Tagged rape black behind - Current Score: 1 - Added: 12 minutes ago

neenaw got buried to -5. Reveal Joke

Whats red and crawls up your leg?

Homesick abortion

Joke by Neeson3k, in Sex and shit > Abortion - Tagged abortion dead baby babies blood home - Current Score: 6 - Added: 18 minutes ago

Every full moon i like to sodomize my wife.....it's just a phase i'm going through.

Joke by norman, in Sex and shit > Anal - Tagged anal sex - Current Score: 9 - Added: 20 minutes ago

I was driving through Weston-Super-Mare the other day and got a slow puncture.
I pulled into a filling station and asked the attendant, "Have you got an air line?"
"An airline?" he replied. "We haven't even got a fucking bus station!"

Joke by northerngeorge, in Jokes with no home > Airlines - Tagged weston super mare , airline , bus station , puncture , spikey - Current Score: 9 - Added: 39 minutes ago

f.p-jokes got buried to -16. Reveal Joke

Racism is something that you should really stay away from!

Then again, so is a Paki!

Joke by ElliotHowells, in Religion and racism > Pakistani - Tagged paki , racist , racism , elliot howells , stay away , disease , stink - Current Score: 0 - Added: 56 minutes ago

Hot jokes THIS MONTH (5 of 2426)

When Barack Obama was performing his speech after being elected as president, he had to do it behind three inch thick bullet-proof glass.
I thought that was a bit harsh - just because he's black doesn't mean he's going to shoot anyone.

Joke by jonnysmith16, in Celebrity and news events > Barack Obama - Tagged barack obama , black , shoot , frankie boyle - Current Score: 1403 - Added: 3 weeks ago

My daughter has reached that age where she is asking embarrassing questions about sex.
Just this morning she asked, "Is that the best you can do?"

Joke by bawbag, in Sex and shit > Incest - Tagged daughter , questions , sex - Current Score: 958 - Added: 3 weeks ago

I met a fourteen-year-old girl on the internet. She was clever, funny, sexy and flirty, so I suggested we meet up.

She turned out to be an undercover detective.

How cool is that at her age?

Joke by storyteller, in Sex and shit > Paedophile - Tagged police , paedo , girlfriend , children , paedophilia , girl , child , virgin , love , kid , life , internet , paedophile , first hot this week and month - Current Score: 924 - Added: 1 week ago

I would just like to congratulate Lewis Hamilton for his sheer effort. Winning the F1 Championship and becoming the US President in one week is a tremendous achievement.

Joke by ghost, in Celebrity and news events > Elections - Tagged lewis hamilton , president , black , barack obama - Current Score: 859 - Added: 4 weeks ago

I would like to point out to Jeremy Clarkson that not all lorry drivers murder prostitutes.

Some of us are too busy mowing down Pakis.

Joke by baldlice, in Celebrity and news events > Jeremy Clarkson - Tagged clarkson , paki , prostitute - Current Score: 723 - Added: 4 weeks ago

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Random Jokes (3 of 3. hit me!)

What is the difference between a bachelor and a married man?

The bachelor comes home, sees what's in the refrigerator, then goes to bed. The married man comes home, sees what's in the bed, and goes to the refrigerator.

Joke by mamma mia, in Sex and shit > Marriage - Tagged bachelor , marriage , sex , refrigerator - Current Score: 388 - Added: 5 months, 17 days ago

A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants.

"Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's "the" night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that. Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack." The young man makes his purchase and leaves.

Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes. The girl leans over to him and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person."

The boy leans over to her and whispers, "You never told me that your father is a pharmacist."

Joke by mickle, in Sex and shit > Virgin - Tagged sex , parents , condoms , pharmacy - Current Score: 97 - Added: 1 year, 3 months ago

Halloween: the holiday that encourages begging for sweets and talking to strangers.

Joke by chesky101, in Jokes with no home > Halloween - Tagged halloween , sweets , peadophilia - Current Score: 7 - Added: 4 weeks ago

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